No Senior Prank: A modest letter of surrender

 

To the esteemed Administration and educational staff of Gull Lake High School,

You’ve done it.  You’ve finally done it.  You win.  We, the senior class admit to complete and utter defeat.  This year, for the first time in memorable history, we as a group have decided to completely forgo the mere contemplation of organizing what has been hitherto referred to as a “senior prank.”  Yes, that’s right, no senior prank.  It’s gone.  Vanished.  Disappeared into thin air without a whimper.  You can stop worrying now.  In fact, you won’t have to worry about senior pranks ever again!  The other grades have agreed to put an end to this obnoxious tradition once and for all.

Now, you might be wondering why we suddenly just gave up!  It’s not that complicated really.  You see, we just don’t have the motivation anymore.  We’re seniors after all.  We get out of this place in a manner of days.   Why would we put forth the effort to come up with a meaningful and effective prank?  That’s way too much creativity.  In fact, it’s a miracle the class of 2012 has enough left in the tank to even graduate.  All that extra time spent on a prank could be much better spent doing something useful, like planning crazy summer parties, or maybe getting ready for college, or maybe even  something as far out of the box as a summer job!  So no, despite what you might have thought, the fact remains that we don’t have time to mess around with childish senior pranks.  We’ve moved on from that, grown up if you will.  We’re adults now.  We don’t act immaturely.  We don’t bother ourselves with activities better left to freshmen.  No, rather we proud and finally enlightened seniors will distance ourselves from the confines of childish behavior and leave you, our wonderful educators, with a well deserved feeling of security and comfort.  It is for these reasons, among many, that the seniors have given up the possibility of a prank.  Now, as I mentioned before, the other classes have also agreed to put an end to senior shenanigans.  However, their reasoning is, well, a tad different.

You see, the seniors could probably put one over on you if they really wanted to.  The potential is there, just not the work ethic.  The rest of the school? They’re another story altogether.  They don’t have the guts, the cojones, or the intelligence.  They couldn’t pull off a prank on you guys to save their lives, much rather one worthy of recognition.  It’s not their fall really.  They just haven’t been exposed to the learning prowess of you fantastic educators for a long enough period of time.  As seniors, we’ve had four long, long years to soak it all in and spit it right back at you.  But, as I hope I’ve made clear, we won’t be doing that.  Now, the underclassmen aren’t complete idiots.  They realize that in this situation they’re at a complete disadvantage.  At first, they came to us seeking advice.  “They’re too good for us,” they said.  “We have no hope of ever getting away with a senior prank against the sheer might of the entire High School staff!”  We consoled them, and, while gently affirming their fear, we also promised them that when the time came for them to take on such an undertaking, they too would have lost any and all motivation.  Slowly the tears were wiped from their eyes, and they began to understand that a senior prank simply would never be practical.  As a student, you’re either not smart enough to get away with such a scheme, or you lack the drive.

I’m sure you’re also probably curious as to why we’ve decided to formally announce our surrender.  We could after all, simply leave you in a state of perpetual suspense and doubt as to the nature of our prank.  But, that wouldn’t be the adult thing to do, and, as I’ve said, we are now all very mature in our actions.  We realize the sweat and tears you’ve shed over the course of our long drawn out education.  We’ve caused you enough pain and agony to last a lifetime.  It’s time we finally expressed the depth of our gratitude.  So, here it is, our last gift to you.  The final chapter in a run-on novel.  Sleep soundly oh benefactors of our youthful brains.  Let your minds focus on more relaxing things, like summer, or retirement.  Dream not of the machinations of your pupils, for we are as innocent and bashful as meek nursing kittens.   And you are our kindhearted and wise old mother cats.  Does a kitten scratch at the mother from whence its life sustaining milk is supplied?  As far as I’m aware, no, and neither shall we.  We are in all effects and purposes, declawed.  You have won.  Again, my sincerest congratulations.

Your devoted and humble servant,

Thomas Zahrt

Vice President & self appointed spokesman for the Class of 2012

Comments